Radical Atheist

After years of extensive research and absurd experiments involving cheap hookers and blow, I’ve finally come upon the simple solution for making atheism acceptable to the majority of humans on this planet. It doesn’t involve asking atheists to change any of their current opinions, even so-called hard “there absolutely is no god” atheists can can do this. It’s so easy an agnostic can do it. Nor does it require theists to change their attitude toward non-believers.

Because from now on there are no non-believers. We’re all believers.

Atheism is now theism, atheists are theists. Everybody believes in whatever god you believe in.

Now it’s quite obvious that theists differ dramatically in how they interpret their scriptures and dogma. They even differ in their passion for their beliefs. At one end of the scale are those who thank Jesus or Allah after every other sentence while at the other end is the Jew who eats a ham sandwich but believes he’s wrong to do so (not that the thought of that stops him). Theists are all over the place.

So what place in the broad spectrum of religious belief exists for ex-atheists?

The Unitarians are notorious for their nearly-non-theistic theology. So we former-atheists are just a bit more secular than the UU. We accept that gods are possible. It’s just that we believe the probability that gods exist is extremely low, so low that it becomes nearly impossible.

See what a simple and elegant solution this is? Theists can no longer dismiss us from the tent; we’re now a part of the theistic clan, one big happy family. We might be the weird, possibly retarded cousin 6-times removed who grew up in a cave with wombats who insists on attending every family reunion, but we’re still family.

We humanists had it all wrong. We were trying to convince theists that we are all humans, we all belong to the human family.We should have been turning that around and stating that all humans are theists, just to varying degrees. After all, the vast majority of people believe that you cannot say with absolute certainty that gods do not exist. Conversely it must then be true that you cannot say with absolute certainty that gods do exist. So absolute (100%) belief and disbelief are positions one cannot reasonably hold. You can approach within the smallest increment to 100 and 0%.

Thus those who were once called atheists and humanists are actually just the least convinced theists you can find. I’ll let the other theists fight among themselves for the position of closest to 100% convinced.

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